Relationships Under Control….”My PRECIOUS!”
Each of us has a desire for control in varying degrees depending on our personalities. I never used to think I was controlling. I’d call plenty of other people “control freaks”, and prided myself in the fact that “I wasn’t one!” With some reflection, growth and awareness (as well as just now as I am writing), I realize that I have been. Much of my life, my happiness depended on whether people behaved the way that I wanted them to.
That qualifies me as one!
We’re all kind of like Gollum wanting The Ring. Whether we admit it or not and whether we can see it or not, all of us want to control and to be controlled on some level. It’s typically most severe with the ones we love. Whether it’s about what they wear, eat, watches on tv, listen to on the radio, the way they load the dishwasher or comb their hair, we all have something that we are trying to control about those people that we love. We can justify it by saying that it’s because we love them and just know a better way, and we’re going to “show them the light” until they say “Uncle” and do what we say!
The truth is that we’re sending a clear message that there is something about that person that we don’t accept. They feel it and there goes another brick in the wall. When we try to control another person, we set ourselves up for pain and suffering. The other person may allow us to control them for a period of time or in certain situations, (or while we’re watching), but in the end and for the most part they will not. No one wants to be controlled. We are not wired to be. It is in our nature to be Free, in every sense of the word. When they wont be controlled, we get upset and suffer. When they allow us to control them, they get resentful and the relationship suffers.
Bottom line is that it doesn’t work! ( Boy have I tried!! )
When we want to control, it’s because we feel like we don’t have control. Even wanting to control feels bad because there is a feeling of lack. It feels like forcing, fixing, resistance, manipulating, and pushing and it’s all very stressful!
The interesting thing is that as we let go of wanting control, we actually feel more in control!
Awareness is a huge part of moving out of this destructive and relationship defeating habit. So, now would be a good time to write out a list of the significant people in your life and ways that you may try to control them.
Control is typically a result of a feeling of lack and comes from fear. Once we look at what we are afraid of, and just replace it with love, we can release the control.
Watch the following video. I will lead you through a short exercise to release the control and those icky feelings that go with it.
After you watch the video, take a few moments to close your eyes and imagine that person in front of you. See their face. Smell them. Hear them. Feel their presence. Send feelings of Love and Acceptance for this person.
Much of this information is from my work studying The Sedona Method by Hale Dwoskin.
With Love and Acceptance,
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